11:30 PM, perceived well beyond the "safe time" for any woman to be out on the roads of New Delhi, we were travelling through Gurugram after hiring one of the many online cab services. A larger than life size poster of a sensational hollywood actress covered the back screen of his Wagon R. His car seemed to have gone through many rough faces, for the scratches and the broken headlight seemed to tell many stoic stories. On the driving mirror hung a teddy bear keychain, with the soft toy carrying a small heart in its arms and read the obvious "love".
Wearing a brown leather jacket, the sleeves of which would fold, given its improper fitting, as he put his hands on the steering wheel and a tattoo "R.K" would be visible. Given the darkness inside the car, I had to wait for a series street lights to throw their milky lights so that I could see the tattoo clearly.
He gave a flash through his eyes at us by looking in the driving mirror. As we hit the highway, "the girls of today have no sense of decency and modesty" he exclaims after being quiet for a long while. "Many of them come drunk, smoke in my car... how can they do it?! They are women, don't they get it?" His voice grows energetic as one after the other he unravels and narrates many incidents of his relatives before coming to the one of his own. He poignantly puts how his own best friend was caught cheating on his wife, "he was not clever enough! foolish, bastard he was!" "These women are the most clever species on the earth, all they want is money, fashion and their own lives and interests" "Its the man who looks after everything." "Unka kya hai, jab tak paisa hai sab theek hai" (what else do they want once they have the money).
Few from the political class of the country have been quite demonstrative of their prejudices. The stands of these political leaders is more than just a perceived irresponsible comment, but a reflection of the deep-rooted prejudices and sense of patriarchal ordering of the society where defined norms are forced to be set as standards and words such as "modesty", "decency", "western culture" tend to trivialize and boil down the sexual offences against the women and provide cover to the ghastly acts, for everything ends up blaming the women for being women herself. Perhaps unsurprisingly and may be obviously, this extends far more to the common "citizens" of this country, ranging from public spaces to one's own household. A sense of "loyalty" is expected from the women to adhere to the set norms which if violated, the impending punishment is what they would get in return. Even though the set norms themselves sometimes do not go in tandem with the masculinity which is forced upon the women, resulting in the offences our newspapers are filled everyday with.
He did have plethora of abuses to hurl at the girls who had been in his taxi and his own near ones. Don't they know that women shouldn't drink? They wear small clothes and walk into our cars, how they don't expect for anything to happen then?" ye aurat jaat hi kharab hai, khud karti hein sab aur naam aadmi ka (the women community itself is at fault, for they themselves do everything and blame it on men). According to him they deserve much more abuses. His reasons were justified to himself, for he had no reason to tell, but an ideology to reflect which is perpetrated all too well through a lineage of male adults. He wasted no time in arriving at his own life experience with women and the pride he showed in doing all of it was perhaps no astonishing because we had already come to terms with what we were going to hear, based on what we had been told so far. Whatever he had to tell were no surprises. "bas ek din dimaag satak gaya aur bahot maara usse (one day I just felt like beating her up), he says after narrating how good the initial days of marriage were and how one day he just "felt" like beating her.
"All that I do every week is that I just switch off my cellphone for a couple of days, find a dhaba and just drink." "I too need a break from seeing her everyday, the same old boring her." Before the obvious question could pop up into my mind or I would try to learn from his age, he himself tells us that he had been married for one year. "What would she do when I go back home? Nothing! she would be angry with me for a while and then she would herself feed me with a smile on her face."
A gap has propped up between the patriarchal conservative values in the society and the distorted sexual impulse which they find impossible to resist. The feelings of repression and subjugation on the one hand and the "manly" desires do not find a nexus and the latter is often invoked in pursuit of the former, even when if the two are taken together only inconsistency is what would emerge. For, on the one hand, the same values tend to exorcise the idea of gender equality and freedom and impose sanctity over the female body and on the other hand the desires which are "natural" to men.
The sense of these notions is perpetuated from generation to generation. The key issue therefore becomes, far away sensitivity, the immediate reformation of these point of views, where gender sensitivity could either supplement it or come in the second instance. Laws obviously have a secondary role to play as the deterrence or harsh punishments cannot do away with the mindset which prevails and takes pride in exercising its power of subjugation over the women. Therefore even after being convicted for a heinous offence, the male members of the society with prevalent mindset would waste no time in giving a laugh to the justice system and proclaim victory and their demonstration of power. A stark image of a handcuffed man walking out of a courtroom after being convicted of a sexual offence, far the signs of regret, rather with a broad smile on his face is a disappointment to the justice the system and the question which needs to be answered remains the same all the time - what, where and how was the "justice"?
A broad smile engulfs his face as he tell us "Where will she go? After all she is mine, I will do what I want with her! Who earns? Her or me? Its the man who toil day and night!" Machismo and objectification had been quite prevalent through his entire narrative, and before he could continue we had reached our destination and the trip ended. There was a huge difference between the teddy bear keychain hanging from his driving mirror and the grotesque ghoul of the masculinity which he spoke of.
The most crucial question which I believe needs to be answered is where do I stand in all of this? All I could do throughout the entire journey was to either sit silent and listen and nod in agreement to all his defined structure and signify my helplessness in doing anything. Putting an argument was beyond point and perhaps a foolish thing to do. But this does confirm my belief that every space is replete with the narratives of machismo and a talking ground for discussion is to be achieved first, before talking about sensitivity, for in absence of agreeing to the fact that indeed there could be any talking ground for gender equality, no notion of sensitivity can creep in. Indeed the next time I see off any of my female close relatives, cousins or friends to a cab, worry is what would grapple me until she reaches safely. I should bear this in mind that this was only a cab driven by a person who is part of the thinking whose father, grandfather and forefathers have all carried on in the same vein. There are many more spaces and "safe" spaces. Law cannot always take the place of a required unprecedented reformation and change of thinking. Much more than that is required to be done.Lets not be content with the tiny teddy bear smiling at you with a little red heart in his hands which read "love".
And may be all of this is not surprising and we already know it.
